51 in a 35

Well, guess how today started out? Decided to detour toward McDonald’s down a road I don’t usually take  for any other reason except going to the theater, and got busted speeding, going (he said) 51 in a 35. SERIOUSLY? I’m going to look at the road again. It’s a double lane … I thought it was at least 40, slowing at the curves. Whatever, you fucking fuck S*******nt cop!! Seriously!! You’re lucky I’m changing my luck in other ways! I may even go try and lessen this ticket on January 19^th! Wonder what it’s like to be such a prick… seriously, no one on that road. You’re just so damn lucky to have gotten me.

It was mid-40s in temp today. Just gorgeous. I know we need the snow/precipitation, and it sucks for those who thrive on winter business, but the sun and non-frigid temps felt great. I went for a ½ hour drive at lunch (lunch being a McDonald’s vanilla cone and 3 choc chip cookies… yum! And only $1.50!), took a photo along the lakefront, which looked gorgeous. But what is up with the building in Bayview?? Felt like I haven’t been there in forever, but has it really been that long since I drove down KK? (for those who are reading this – which may be no one – KK is Kinnickinnic Avenue, thus the KK ;)) One was some sort of housing deal, not sure what the other one was. Hopefully not some strip mall. I was a little irked, even though one of the buildings was going up where there used to be (if I remember correctly) an abandoned building? Or a bank? Anyway, I hope it looks good, and doesn’t look “uppity.” Bayview isn’t uppity. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t redo the existing building for whatever they’re making.

Speaking of Bayview, I’m debating the haircut (where I got my last 2 cuts). It’s just so damn expensive. $40-50 for the cut, plus tip and whatever crap they try and sell me. There are so many other things I’d rather do w/ that money. Last time it was probably $75. But I’m anxious to get it done. I colored my hair just before xmas. I’m getting grey so faster now, though, I should need another color in a couple weeks. And my Wen comes this week. J  And I get my tax refund. So maybe then would be a better time. When I have a slight financial cushion. But if I’m going to even attempt to date, I need to clean up my ‘do.

Back to that dating crap - and I AM going to stop posting about it... honest. I refuse to claim it is hopeless after a week! J but man it is tough. I guess I’m spoiled. While often tumultuous because of addiction, I have had the love of my life. Scott was as wonderful and loving as I could have ever asked for. Even more so. But it’s hard to compete w/ an addiction, and it ultimately won – in every way. I miss him. And before Scott, I had an angel in my life who kind of raised the bar as far as my expectations of what I should want in life. So I’m not willing to settle for less than a comfortable “wow.” Without him, opening my eyes, I would never have had the guts to let in those I did. I often questioned whether or not that angel really existed, as he swooped into my life and swooped back out just as quickly, but it didn’t take long for me to gain perspective on his “purpose” (other than to thrill me). And he exists. He’s married now, and has a child. So I will continue to browse through people, and send notes to those I find interesting in hopes of a reply. I will continue to turn down or delete those who don’t immediately grab my attention in some way. If nothing comes of it, I will not risk disease and pregnancy on something that’s just “fun” and physical. Yep, I’m a “sexual” person, but I am not desperate. I will live without, and thrive on memories of what was good.

Tomorrow is payday, blog… PAYDAY. The first Post-Xmas Payday!! I will take my kid to his cave trip, stop at the bakery before heading to work, and I will take my 1-hour lunch, eat something yummy (I think Shah Jee’s needs a visit) and hand write in my new notebook. And it will be another good day.

And again… Fuck you, cop. 

There's a limit to my love...

Okay... so I'm drowning in James Blake, thus the title. For those who don't know... take a listen. And find some more stuff and listen. Lose yourself.  

Anyway... I love Wednesdays. Lame as it is, I know when I get home, I'll be able to eat, watch TV, not bug kids about homework (okay, KID), and relax. And Wednesday means the Middle and Modern Family and Revenge, so I have a guaranteed laugh out loud and get into the drama. :) I had Taco Bell for lunch, which is lame, but I only had a couple bucks on me. Friday I'm going out and sitting somewhere and writing. 


But honestly, the title isn't entirely random. I found some "journals" I did on a dating site, and I was actually pretty thrilled with what I wrote. Sometimes I inspire myself, reminding myself of my writing skills and how they can be a really fun read when I'm "on." Since I don't have a real audience here, I don't know who I'm talking to, so it's lacking. Plus I've been writing when I'm tired, in bed... (Like now... 4 hours of sleep last night - I should just skip this tonight. Too late.) But I do put limits on love, or at least the lead up to love! And why not. I'm find w/out a date for the last several years. I can be picky. I'm not desperate or serious. 


Here's a sample of what I wrote:  

Today I got mail asking if I was an axe murderer. Something about my profile being "too good to be true" therefore there must be something drastically wrong with me that I'm not revealing. After I got done laughing, I thought this topic would make a good journal post. (Don't expect these posts to always be so frequent, although I do love to write and ramble!) Now, keep in mind, we all "try" to put our best features out here, throwing in a fault here and there to "keep it real," but yeah... I mean, if I posted the "raw" me (and no, for you pervs in abundance out there, I don't mean naked!), I'd probably miss quite a few opportunities. :-) My insecurities - whether they are warranted or just a personal warped view of self (always debatable) - run high, and are much more prevalent perhaps in 3D situations (also known as "real life"). But online (2D) it's easier to filter some of bad stuff out, seem more cool and confident. Here, I'm not (usually) gonna tell you how behind I am in my bills, or that I gained a few pounds over the last holiday that I have to shed (which I'm actually pretty good at), or about the pimple I have on my upper eyelid that is totally annoying and not going away fast enough. I'm not going to tell you when I'm overly emotional for no apparent reason, or when I'm feeling bitter over a breakup, which can be construed by some people as "baggage" but I simply think it is part of the human condition and doesn't usually effect other relationships. I'm not all that willing share that someone I have a huge crush on but had never seen in person before came in my work yesterday and I'm sure I looked like a complete dork and afterwards I practically hyperventilated. (I think crushes are healthy and aerobic much of the time, and good ones are few and far between.) And yes, who knows?? The "raw" side may be endearing to some, but it's not going in my profile. Yes, I let a little seep out here. Just to make my point.

Seriously, I just love that. And oh, I remember who that crush was and that day. **sigh** But I read my words and thought, "yeah, I'd send me a message." and people did. But not the right people. Not the right person. Only one or two I got mildly excited about. Whatever. I still have a couple crushes. We'll see what we can do about them. :)   

Okay. I have to brush my teeth. And get some sleep.

G'night blog.

in an instant...

First of all, let me say, I hate that moment, right before I get ready to snuggle into bed, and I remember I have to clean the cat box. HATE that.

(POST PAUSE - Matthew Gray Gubler is on Ferguson and damn I love him.)

But anyway... (and in my head, I always hear that phrase like John Popper sings it)

Today started out rather distracted. Tuesday after a 4 day weekend. Preoccupied with thoughts of where I want the year to go, not just relationship-wise (although that was an actual distraction), but travel, socially, financially... Facebooked a little, started wondering about when I'd get to Chicago again to visit some people. Eventually, I slapped myself back into it, and got to work and was able to get some things done. Then... just after a late lunch (which was a microwave ready Indian Curry dish which was way to onion heavy - and I really hate onions), I was asked about the backup for our accounting database. Someone had made an entry error (2012 rather than 2011) and they were hoping to restore a backup from the weekend. Well, I knew our IT company wasn't doing the backup anymore. It was my responsibility. And when I went to check, the external hard drive to which it was supposed to back up was disconnected!! I immediately broke out in a sweat. Internal, but a sweat nonetheless. I felt like I was going to vomit. I took some deep breaths and then proceeded to break the bad news in an email. No backup, and there hadn't been one since mid-December. Shit. Sorry. I feel sick. But as I was typing the email, with "I've got good news and worse news," our accounting person approached me to see what I knew about the backup. When I told her the situation, I felt the color drain from my face, and I said, "I'm sorry..." but her face remained calm. "It's okay... I figure everything happens for a reason and now we know to check the backup." I asked if I could help in anyway, and she seemed calm. It wasn't as catastrophic as I'd thought, I'd guess, but my work life had flashed before my eyes!! I'd kind of come to terms that I have a decent job, good pay, 3 weeks vacation, insurance benefits, and I should be grateful, and then in an instant I thought, "I'm getting fired." It was then that my mood turned back around again... Whoo hoo!! It was exhilarating and exhausting all at once. Job is safe. Backup rescheduled.

Got home and ate my spinach and Gardein Crispy Orange Chicken and the boys and I watched the 2nd half of Two Towers. So great. I "shopped" through dating sites for fun and came up almost empty. I kept going back to the profiles of those 2 guys in Minneapolis I thought were great. I felt comfort in the fact they were still there, not "taken" yet. I dodged instant messages. I said, "Thanks but no thanks" to those who sent me messages but I didn't have the slightest interest in...

So... I think I need to plan a vacation to Minneapolis. I'm always heading east, west, south... never to north. Maybe I can finally meet Tommy, too!

Camera first. I hope my W2 comes first.

1:06. Everybody Hates Chris is on.

Goodnight Blog.

Occupy: Thoughts

My apartment isn't that clean. I did vacuum and did some dishes and put some stuff over my windows to keep the damn drafts out (but it's windy and it's still not working). And I did ONE load of laundry because I only had $2.50 in quarters. I was a little lazy because of the cold in the house. Plus, I'm slightly preoccupied... All the dating talk has my thoughts racing back to dating and what it used to be like and what it could be like and whether I want to do that again. And I've gotten responses on that site but nothing that really gets me revved up to head out. But I think about those in my life I maybe could have dated... or still could date... and whether I want to pursue THAT at all, or at least hint at it. Then I think, "Maybe in spring." Winter is so tough to motivate myself for anything, let alone that which zaps my energy. :) I need to stop worrying about it for now. 


Work tomorrow. A 4-day week is nice, but still I dread going back. But I'm making a pledge to get out for a lunch hour once a week, and to branch out a little bit. Perhaps grab a veggie burger while sitting at the bar somewhere, or just go somewhere for coffee and sit and write. And take the HOUR. I bought a notebook Friday which I love and I will do my normal stream of consciousness rambling. I have notebooks in boxes that I read through and I can remember exact moments - where I was sitting, what I was seeing or eating... Or perhaps I will start to read more at lunch. 


Great. The kid just told me we had to move to Canada because of the NDAA law being signed. Time to go fill him in a little on why he shouldn't worry about it. :) 


G'night blog

Blue Moon...

2012 ... it's started. I got out of the house to watch some football (Packers win again), eat fried food, drink a couple Blue Moons, and chat w/ and old friend. The topic du jour was dating. Specifically, her dating life since her divorce, experience on dating web sites, who she's been meeting, etc... I came home somewhat invigorated and motivated to may try getting out there again, dating-wise. Of course, an hour or so later looking around on the only site I've been on in years and a giant "meh" comes out of my mouth. Some of the guys I've talked to from the site years ago... still on there. Some I really liked who are too far away - still on there. Some I would like to avoid... you guessed it! Still on there. And of course, the first contact made with me were from "MrWonderful" who was my age but had a mustache that made him look 60 (even though he said he was physically attractive... yeah, I didn't see it), and from a 30 year old hottie who has the word "Naughty" in his screen name and thinks from my photos that I'm "gorgeous." Yeah... I know. What do I expect after 1 day, 1 hour? Like she said, "It's a numbers game... you just gotta put yourself out there and meet as many people as you can." But I told her, I would love for something to happen for me organically rather than forcing the dating issue on a web site. I'd like to test the waters of a friendship to see if there's something more. However, I feel very out of practice, so perhaps I should start with being a little more social with girl friends and hone in on my chatting skills so I don't talk some guys ear off if I ever go out (may end up doing that anyway)! And maybe I'll start with meeting up with some long known photography folks, too. 


Toward the end of the game, though, my neck started to bother me, which means going home and putting it on ice. Which I did. And I took a nap. A long nap. I woke up refreshed, which is rare. Maybe I don't hate all naps. 


So... So many plans to turn things around this year, I look at people's NY Lists. I saw that musician <3 Joseph Arthur posted this: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/f30dme and I was going to share it on Facebook but couldn't handle it being overlooked! I wanted to keep it as my own treasure. If my FB pals didn't want to Like Joseph Arthur on facebook, their loss. How fucking silly, right?? :D I especially liked 39) retire without hesitation the things that are no good, 40) accept yourself with love. I'll try, Joseph. I really will. 


Tomorrow off work. I will clean. I desperately need to do laundry. And dishes. And vacuum. And get my kids to do some work for school. It's 1:15 a.m. I suppose I'd better get some sleep. 


I wish I could control my dreams...  

Talk about a Resolution...

This blog isn't a NY Resolution, but if it was, so be it.

Some people hate "timelines." I have an acquaintance who hates it when people blame or accuse a year for things, or put good or bad luck in a timeline. WHATEVER, dude. Get over it. If we want to capsulize our lives year by year, so be it. He's in TV, so I guess he could know that many people treat life as yearly TV seasons that don't get cancelled until the lead character dies.

There are usually 2 proclamations every year... "This has been a great year" or "Man, has this year sucked." I am the latter. While there were some moments... it's been lackluster. That's the best word for it. Early in the year there was still a lot of grieving. A mini-vacation in March and a spring break w/ the kids didn't really turn things around despite some nice moments... Once I returned from that vacation, I was consumed with a work project and then apathy set in. Summer passed w/ no Summerfest, no bike race, no trips, no photographs, no dating (no surprise)... and then no money, no camera... oh whine, whine, whine...

It's about choices. And I can whine all I want, but as I told my kid the other day, life is a big game show called, "Make the Right Choices." I chose to give 120% to my job for a few months to get a project finished. I chose to not go out places, making excuses... I made choices which left me broke. So, I can choose to turn things around. And if I want to pick a significant day or time to do so, that is my choice as well.

2012 is 28 hours away. I'm going to attempt to live more consciously. Less Facebook and more face to face. Take my deserved vacations. Go to more art exhibits. Listen (and I mean REALLY listen) to more new music (I've decided that at least $20 from every paycheck should go to buying new music). See more movies. Drink more wine (and drink more good beer). See more concerts. And write about it, so I rekindle my love of writing, and perhaps so I can document the good (and bad) experiences and remind myself of their purpose.

OH... and I'll be getting a new camera, as well.

Hopefully I won't make a liar out of myself. ;)